Thursday, November 19, 2015

Top 10 People Who Annoy Me When Flying:

It is no secret that I hate to travel, especially for work. There are two main reasons for this: 1. I loathe flying (well, crashing is what I really hate) 2. I don’t like leaving behind my puppies – frankly I know my husband simply cannot provide the proper mommy-lovin’ to which they have grown accustomed.  However, on my most recent excursion to Vancouver I found a third reason to loathe travel…. The A-hole people who eschew the basic tenants of air travel courtesy and make flying miserable for the rest of us.  While I am no newcomer to those travelers who have no concept of self-awareness, somehow I experienced EVERY type of A-hole airline traveler during my flight to and from Vancouver this weekend.  During an especially crappy leg of my journey from Chicago to Baltimore, I decided to document the 10 people that consistently put me over the edge when flying.

1.  People who do not understand the concept of ONE carry-on and ONE personal item. Whenever I see people trying to drag a backpack, suitcase, purse, coat and paper shopping bag from the Gap full of God-knows-what on a plane as their carry-on items I want to throat punch them and the flight attendant who doesn’t yank them out of the boarding line to pare down their expansive haul.  (These somehow also seem to be the people who have to use the bathroom every 30 minutes during the flight but never are in an aisle seat. See #3 below.)
2.     People who think FAA carry-on restriction rules don’t apply to them. Listen, with airlines
charging for everything outside of toilet paper on a flight these days, I understand doing whatever you can to avoid a $50 fee to check your luggage, but that doesn’t mean you get to cram a full size suitcase into the overhead bin where 2 or 3 approved size suitcases would fit. In case you are wondering... here is what is allowed, NOT a trunk on wheels:
3.    People who have to go to the restroom every 30 goddamn minutes on a 3 hour flight, making me have to move – or worse, wake up – to let them out to use the can. If you know you have a bladder the size of a thimble, how about you don’t opt for the window seat and instead move to the aisle?  And if you ever, EVER, try to climb over me to get out of your seat without waiting for me to move, I WILL punch you in the privates. I actually had a guy (yes a MAN) tell me I didn’t have to move and he would climb over me on one of my flights this weekend. I gave him my best “are you F-ing kidding me???” look as I unbuckled my seat belt.  No thank you, sir - that is a sexual assault charge waiting to happen.

4.    People who don’t cover their disgusting faces when they cough, sneeze or any other act that spews their germy spit into the air.  It’s bad enough when people do this in the airport, but on a plane it is an act of war, and I will win that battle with dirty looks, eye-rolling and a vat of hand sanitizer.
5.    People who STOP WALKING on the moving sidewalk at the airport like they are on a ride at Disneyland waiting for the Pirates of the Caribbean to put on a show. Hey Einstein, the goal of a moving sidewalk is to MOVE people from Point A to Point B in the most expeditious way possible, not for you to take in the breathtaking scenery of the airport Cinnabon.  
6.  People who take up multiple chairs at the gate, even when the boarding area is so crowded that it has turned into a standing room only, because God forbid you would have to put your precious, free Met Life tote bag holding your People Magazine and delicious Combos pretzel snacks on the floor to accommodate another person.  You are selfish, and I hope your Combos pretzel snacks get smashed into a pile of cheesy crumbs before you even get to your seat on the plane - Love, Karma.
7.     People on the plane who watch others struggle to lift their bags into the overhead bin without offering to assist, all the while seeing the line to board the plane is getting longer and longer and our window to actually depart on time is getting shorter and shorter. How about instead of standing by and watching the struggle unfold you jump in to help out and make-believe for 5 minutes out of the day that you are actually a decent, caring human being instead of the self-centered A-hole we know you to be?
8.    People who don’t realize that you can lift up the goddamn armrests to get in and out of your plane seats without turning the task into an Olympic gymnastics event.
9.    People who intrude into my personal space on a plane (i.e., the F-er sitting next to me right now). Consider those armrests an invisible boundary line that extends right up to the top of the plane, nothing of yours should be squishing across that border and interfering with my space.  Pretend I am North Korea…. You never EVER want to illegally cross that border, because you WILL be dealt with.   
 10. People that grab their belongings the second the plane stops moving and file into the aisle way, while the rest of us waiting PATIENTLY for our turn to un-board the plane are stuck sitting with a face full of your Eddie Bauer, khaki-covered ass for 10 minutes. Sit down hoss, you aren't going anywhere any faster than I am - especially because five rows in front of you Myrtle still needs to get her bag down from the overhead bin and no one can be bothered to help her (See #7 above).
And there you go, all of the people who managed to annoy the crap out of me this weekend while I attempted a peaceful flight to and from Vancouver. Bottom line: if you are going to take a flight, learn the airline travel rules of engagement or please do us all a favor and hop on a bus (or better yet stay home).


A bitter traveler with a raging head cold who just wants to go home and snuggle her dogs.

PS - after a good night's sleep and a few doses of cold relief meds I am sure I will regret writing this, but for now, I stand by my rant. 

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